We have touched down in Melbourne from Sydney – Australia has treated our grisly gang with fair regard. Which I appreciate heartily as surely this land mass has not seen such an influx of English goons since the arrival of the first settlers.
Swimming in the ocean in Sydney earlier in my little white toddler pants I felt so free and blissfull that I understood at once the temporary lunacy that inspires bathers to meddle with dolphins. Had one approached me as I splashed and giggled I’d've given him one right up the blow-hole.
Alas no bottle-nosed flirts came a calling only filthy sharks. As we disembarked from our water-taxi ( which in my mind is the best taxi you can have- except sky-taxis, which is all areoplanes really are and pilots are just high up cab drivers, so they can eff off and stop acting all snooty in their aviator shades. Even the phrase “aviator shades” smacks of self importance- “fetch me shades baby- I’m gettin ready to aviate”) the boat-captain-fella went “oh, be careful a shark bit someone’s leg off here last week mate”
Well, it made the swimming experience more fraught with horror I don’t mind admitting. Sharks are such bastards, sometimes someone’ll go “sharks get a bad rap but actually they’re real gents” oh really? Well I’ve never heard of a shark doing anything remotely pleasant, they never put on benefit gigs for aids or help the elderly with their shopping. They just attack and rape people for fun.
Your supposed to punch an aggressive shark in the face, they say. Right. If a great white, rapist pig of a shark starts tearing at yer leg, swivel underwater and biff him on the hooter like a sub-aquatic henry cooper. No way baby! Give in, roll over, stick your bum out and pout and just hope it’s so turned on that it marries you there and then because an under water “dream-punch” all slow and weedy will just irritate it.
Luckily when a shark did turn up the othe bathers all had open wounds as a result of their lifestyles so were much more appealling- look at the photos they’re all right oddities.
Keep checking the page as I plan to regularly update this blog till you plead for silence.
plead for silence………….. never!!!! speak loud and proud!!!!
love ya long time!!!
xxx
My giggle for the day.
Cheers
I.LOVE.YOU.
nuff said.
Sounds like you’re all having a ball. Enjoy.
I think that the whole punching a shark in the nose thing would work really well if it weren’t for their over-abundance of teeth.
I am uber excited for the Saturday show.
Should be grand.
yeah, pretty jealous!
@garethpoole
Russell you are a legend……………”They just attack and rape people for fun”, i will never see sharks in the same light again
i hate sharks!!!!!!!! had a blinding fear since my mother let me watch jaws far too young!
stay out of the water Russell, its not safe to go in!!!
enjoyed the blog completely. Will never plead for Silence. Just wish it was in audio love that sexy voice of yours…
I think your view of sharks is unfair. The Basking shark is the true gent of the sea. I mean yeah he has a big mouth, but he ain’t raping children and scoffing Australians. No. He’s the laid back man of the sea dressed in vintage victorian bathing wear, mouth slack with a pipe hanging fromhis gums!
Now I’ll have the visual of Russell raping a shy dolphin in my head all day. If a slimy fish fetish is what rocks your boat, I say, well done!
you funny, sexy, clever bastard.. love ya x
we have legs not fins we do not belong in there we have no buisness leaving the land!!! sharks know this and just sit and wait smiling at the fools that venture in the water aaaagggghhhhh!!!!
stay away from the blowholes Brand!
Ah so I’ve finally followed your link and you’re blogging. How lovely! It’s always nice to read missives from your favourite comedian.
Personally, I call aviators ‘cop killers’. Dunno why.
Have fun in Melbourne! Don’t get into too much trouble… ;)
http://www.gloryfades.org