We have touched down in Melbourne from Sydney – Australia has treated our grisly gang with fair regard. Which I appreciate heartily as surely this land mass has not seen such an influx of English goons since the arrival of the first settlers.
Swimming in the ocean in Sydney earlier in my little white toddler pants I felt so free and blissfull that I understood at once the temporary lunacy that inspires bathers to meddle with dolphins. Had one approached me as I splashed and giggled I’d've given him one right up the blow-hole.
Alas no bottle-nosed flirts came a calling only filthy sharks. As we disembarked from our water-taxi ( which in my mind is the best taxi you can have- except sky-taxis, which is all areoplanes really are and pilots are just high up cab drivers, so they can eff off and stop acting all snooty in their aviator shades. Even the phrase “aviator shades” smacks of self importance- “fetch me shades baby- I’m gettin ready to aviate”) the boat-captain-fella went “oh, be careful a shark bit someone’s leg off here last week mate”
Well, it made the swimming experience more fraught with horror I don’t mind admitting. Sharks are such bastards, sometimes someone’ll go “sharks get a bad rap but actually they’re real gents” oh really? Well I’ve never heard of a shark doing anything remotely pleasant, they never put on benefit gigs for aids or help the elderly with their shopping. They just attack and rape people for fun.
Your supposed to punch an aggressive shark in the face, they say. Right. If a great white, rapist pig of a shark starts tearing at yer leg, swivel underwater and biff him on the hooter like a sub-aquatic henry cooper. No way baby! Give in, roll over, stick your bum out and pout and just hope it’s so turned on that it marries you there and then because an under water “dream-punch” all slow and weedy will just irritate it.
Luckily when a shark did turn up the othe bathers all had open wounds as a result of their lifestyles so were much more appealling- look at the photos they’re all right oddities.
Keep checking the page as I plan to regularly update this blog till you plead for silence.
“Plead for silence”
Not likely. :)
You can borrow Colin, my tuna-friendly pink dolfish if you want. His blowhole’s a bit lonely since Corrylin ended up in the loony bin for dolphigamy http://www.shazzie.com/liberty/corrylin/ (scroll to see Colin) Kisses xxx
Russel You are the best my friend.. i just picked up your book man and ill let you know what i think soon.. next time you come to NY we got to party at the sexiest clubs around NY. Peace and Love my friend
Matt, Russell Fu*king Brand, Me (Mike) and Anthony
You had me at ” Swimming in your little white toddler pants”
you sexy beast you!!
Your videos & your stories are the funniest & most entertaining ever!
xox 10/10
Dam man i included a photo but i guess photos dont show in the comments.. Here’s the link to the photo we took outside of the Jimmy Fallon Show.. Enjoy.. Rock out with your Cock out my friend.. Can’t wait for the next film bud
http://i19.photobucket.com/albums/b198/Magic624/Picture049.jpg
Shut it Russell, sharks are pretty! You better be careful young man, when you pass on, you never know, you may come back as one;)
Interfered-with dolphins!? Oh my!
Hey, maybe your next Disney film could be a spin-off from The Little Mermaid – like The Big Merman or somefin’? You could even use the same songs; “Under the sea, under the sea, darling its better down where it’s wetter, take it from me!”
RUSSELLLLLLLLL!
Im so sad that youre not in Sydney anymore! Youre gig at the Enmore on Tuesday was absolutely frickin hilarious! I shall not need to do any ab excercises for a whole month due to the workout my tummy muscles received! Thanks. :)
Please come back and do a singing/meet and greet thingy!!! I waited after the gig, but I was, very sadly, one of the people who missed out on an autograph or a photo cos youre security was moving you along/wouldnt let us into the bar later :( but who could be mad at you?….not me! and admittedly there were loads of people and you must surely have been buggered!
Strangely these days I find myself accidentally slipping into an English accent like your own…then i feel like a right twat…see!- Aussie people dont say “right twat” and i didnt plan that. its definitely your fault….but i dont really mind haha
:)
Forgot to mention(where’s the edit posts button on this ride?!) that if you do come back as a shark you better be damn well happy someone like me loves sharks so you’ll not be unloved when you do… kiss kiss
Oh russ! Plead for silence . I won’t be doing that any time soon.
and is the big guy your body guard? i remember him being a rather lovely chap.
Love You xxx
oh my darling man, ’tis true ye are one of the finest wordsmiths i’ve seen! i just couldn’t adore you more having never met you.
If the pilots are cab drivers, what are the flight attendants?
Good point though! Made me laugh out loud. . . with no one around to hear which makes it all the more odd.
Keep updating, we will never welcome your silence!
xoxo
Lmao, The dream-punch is great. I know exactly what u mean. funny blog, i’ll be regging
hahaha! :) ‘…great white rapist pig of a shark…’? I think you were a tad loopy getting in in the first place – but sounds like you’re having a great time. Lots of love xx
You make me LOL and other assorted acronyms!
So sharks attack and rape people for fun then?
Well it’d be weird if they raped people for reasons other than fun. Like self defence for example.
Shark: “Honestly your honour, I saw that Russell Brand gliding his wicked way towards me with a dishonest glint in his eyes so I thought I’d rape him first. Maybe he mistook me for a dolphin?”
Have a good show!