We have touched down in Melbourne from Sydney – Australia has treated our grisly gang with fair regard. Which I appreciate heartily as surely this land mass has not seen such an influx of English goons since the arrival of the first settlers.
Swimming in the ocean in Sydney earlier in my little white toddler pants I felt so free and blissfull that I understood at once the temporary lunacy that inspires bathers to meddle with dolphins. Had one approached me as I splashed and giggled I’d've given him one right up the blow-hole.
Alas no bottle-nosed flirts came a calling only filthy sharks. As we disembarked from our water-taxi ( which in my mind is the best taxi you can have- except sky-taxis, which is all areoplanes really are and pilots are just high up cab drivers, so they can eff off and stop acting all snooty in their aviator shades. Even the phrase “aviator shades” smacks of self importance- “fetch me shades baby- I’m gettin ready to aviate”) the boat-captain-fella went “oh, be careful a shark bit someone’s leg off here last week mate”
Well, it made the swimming experience more fraught with horror I don’t mind admitting. Sharks are such bastards, sometimes someone’ll go “sharks get a bad rap but actually they’re real gents” oh really? Well I’ve never heard of a shark doing anything remotely pleasant, they never put on benefit gigs for aids or help the elderly with their shopping. They just attack and rape people for fun.
Your supposed to punch an aggressive shark in the face, they say. Right. If a great white, rapist pig of a shark starts tearing at yer leg, swivel underwater and biff him on the hooter like a sub-aquatic henry cooper. No way baby! Give in, roll over, stick your bum out and pout and just hope it’s so turned on that it marries you there and then because an under water “dream-punch” all slow and weedy will just irritate it.
Luckily when a shark did turn up the othe bathers all had open wounds as a result of their lifestyles so were much more appealling- look at the photos they’re all right oddities.
Keep checking the page as I plan to regularly update this blog till you plead for silence.
Yay! x
I want to hear more of your experiences, I am still laughing. You need your own telly show, “Sharks, have they truly earned their bad rep? Sounds that way to me” as told by Russell Brand.
Glad that you appear to have recuped from the jet-lag and are living life to the full down there. Dolphins are highly intelligent, I’m sure you’d strike up a deep and meaningful friendship if it wasn’t all so transient. Please don’t do anything too risky, I want you to be in one piece for the O2 Arena. BTW I’m still waiting for a clone of you. Keep up the great work xxx
we shall NEVER plead for silence ;)
Thanks for the laughs. You made my day again.
I miss swimming in the ocean :(
Sounds electric.
If you see a shark, the best defense is not to punch the shark in the nose, but to punch the nearest bather in the nose so that HE will start bleeding. Then swim like hell.
Yay! I love this website.
Much Canadian love to the whole gang!
:)
This is so funny. Have a great time in Melbourne. xoxoxo from the U.S.!!
lovely picture of ALL the team!
“Well I’ve never heard of a shark doing anything remotely pleasant”
Haha, me neither.
And as horribly corny and ridiculous as it sounds, swimming with dolphins is quite enjoyable.
Mia xoxo
wow ive never heard of a shark raping someone but i guess ill watch out lol thanks for the blog :D
LOVE YOU! those poor sharks,feed them next time .MR Brand , bring a big girl with you next time and make her go first.IF the sharks are still hungry after her then well I would get out of the water .BTW I am a big girl and I would so give up my BUM to hang with you !!!!
Yeah, seems like punching a shark underwater would be like punching an attacker in some horrible nightmare. You know, the ones where screams come out like a whisper and your body is like jelly.
Oh wait. Am I the only one who has those nightmares?
lol, you only say pilots are high-up taxi drivers because you’re still browned off that they threw you off that plane for having your feet up in first class.
you don’t know that we know, but WE KNOW ;)
xoxo