This website is turnin me awn. That is why I’m writing a controversial blog to celebrate. The international tour is over and I’m on holiday with Nik. We’re staying in the same suite with different rooms and are frantically trying to not seem gay. We asked to hire a car from the receptionist in a manner so butch that I could only have enhanced the masculinity were I to have rendered the request in piping hot, white winky water across a photo of a lawn mower.
Well. I’ve had nude photos of me printed in the paper – which is my gift to me Mum this mothering Sunday – “There you go Mum no flowers for you – a censorial fig leaf over your child’s genitals will be flora enough. Happy Mother’s day.”
I never really complain about invasions into my privacy because I consider it a tax that one pays for the privilege of doing a job that I love but this I must say is transgressive. Your sex organs are known as your “privates” with good reason – they are yours and their revelation ought be exclusively controlled by you – their owner. I can imagine some arsehole devil’s advocate saying “Russell Brand? He always goes on about dinkels and sex and that – he doesn’t deserve privacy” Well, there is a difference between whimsically musing on the nature of sexuality and stealing, covertly images of someone without their knowledge or consent.
Having seen the photos of me blearily awakening to open the dawn curtains to get some air, I’m not too troubled – I look slim and they have censored my willy – a blessing because there is an incredible variety of dimensions that the off-duty penis can assume. Post sexually, on the come down from activity, the lil’ fella can look a real tough guy – all glistening and bloated, or when there’s a whiff of how’s yer father he can become perky and inquisitive – but, of course, on occasion he may feel shy and listless; sullenly nestling in a pubic duvet as if the glory of sex were an unknowable land. Regardless of the state of my beloved, prize-winning dick-stick I offer no mitigation – only love. Such joy has been give to me by that daft appendage and, like the Royal family, he can’t answer back. God bless you M’am.
Now the controversial part… What is the pope on about “condoms make AIDS worse” that’s what he said. Not to worry he was probably only mucking around – he probably just said it alone in the mirror or whispered it into a shoe. No. He said it in front of 60,000 people in a football stadium in AFRICA – oh well that’s very responsible. Id feel guilty if I lied to one girl with that balderdash “I shan’t be wearing a condom tonight dear – it’ll only enhance the risk of AIDS. Also we’ll be doing it with your mum an all – it is mothers day.” Nuts! Then he said “Death will not defeat us, life will triumph over death, death will not have the final word.” I’m pretty sure death will have the final word. That is the one certainty in life – death. I don’t want to disparage Catholicism or offend it’s millions of followers but someone needs to look into that pointy white hat and check who’s driving because currently God’s anointed leader is a twaddle box.
In other news… Fritzl – obviously an awful case – OBVIOUSLY so I don’t want to seem glib – but… the other day in court he said two things that messed me up a bit. Here they are.
“Elizabeth exaggerated about the cellar”
“They always had plenty of food”
Ok. So what’s your point mate? That it was nice down there? That Elisabeth was somehow ungrateful for her life in a spacious coffin in which the “final word” of death would’ve been a welcome buzz? “That cellar was nice. It was warm – it was romantic – terrific mood lighting for the constant incestuous sex.” And as for this abundant delicious nosh he claims he was providing, I cant help but think it’d be scant consolation for the Grandkids who’d never seen daylight. “Oh no! Granddad/Dad is touching Mum/sister/cousin… again.” “Oh cheer up and have a hob-nob”
Stay with us in the “Wrong passage” I appreciate your comments, input and love and soon you’ll be able to contribute your own photos, clips and feelings.
Ta ta comrades
Yeah, that thing the pope is preaching about AIDS… complete stupidity.
Russell you slay me
I love laughing this hard so early in the morning
and as for the pointed headed dildo he is so far fucked up that there is no saving him
jesus if he was here would burn that fucking city to the ground
that is not how you worship life and love by being filthy rich and takeing all the moneys from the poor and making your life all cushy
Mother Theresa now that was a woman who gave her life to god
anyway I don’t want to ruin my high from laughing with you :)
How can we rid the world of Paparazi???
people buy the mags,
people want to know
and then people forget that stars are people too
and in forgetting they take away thier rights
and all they have to do is put themselves in that position
and think
but alas too many people dont’ want to think
that will have to be added to the list of things
FOR THE REVOLUTION
YOU MUST THINK BEFORE YOU ACT
AND ALWAYS DO THINGS OUT OF LOVE AND KINDNESS
and on a side note please now that when I use capitals I’m not yelling
it’s just to make it stand out…like a little clearing of the throat
be safe in india
find some forgiviness for yourself
and I’ll see you in London
Amazing blog, come back to England soon we all miss youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! A few gigs maybe to keep us all sane through the summer (-: xxx
well said russell.
i awoke today with a txt from an internet news site saying click here to see russell naked with the link at the bottom… well i was all burley eyed in bed alone thinking why would that be news. im guessing the whole people dieing in other countries the war and the econimic crisis is nothing compaired to ur early morning wakeup in the nude. i twittered the link to you.
i opened my curtains in the same just woken up still sleep fashion and looked out no paps after me in my pjs looking all comfy and snug…. if i was famous the shame of the pics of me… haha
have a great time where you are :D
much love always
xxxx
totally loved it!!!!!!!! Best part of the site so far….(with a small exception of sock flowers) can’t wait for the rest!!!!
Thank you for this controversial Sunday morning bloggy blog. I appreciate your honesty and humor. You write so well… I loved what you said on Fallon… they’re just words… sort of tossed together in this mixed salad and signifying what you will. Gives some nice perspective. Happy travels!
The Pope whispering into a shoe, funniest mental image ever! legend mate
xxxxxxxxxx
On other controversial Fritzl news, there’s the question if it is time to make fun of Fritzl’s folder holding ways last days: http://fritzlfolder.com/
“Oh cheer up and have a hob-nob…”
Oh dear.
I think I laughed more than I should have.
What you talk about should be up to you, and what parts of your anatomy you talk about or show again should be you choice …… We are all the same in that respect it doesn’t matter that you choose to work in the media!! But when the revolution comes this will all change won’t it ??? Hmmmm or if there is no censorship will it just all get worse and everyday there will be a naked photo of our illustrious leader in the press….. it’s a head scratcher !! XX
Awesome!!! You’re just awesome :)
In other Pope-related news, the Catholic Church excommunicated everyone involved in giving a life saving abortion to a nine year old girl, pregnant with twins after being raped by her stepfather. And a couple of weeks ago the Vatican newspaper declared that nothing in the 20th century did more for women’s liberation that the invention of the washing machine.
Antics.
Fritzl’s Hair: I know he done abit of rape, but I’m quite liking the style..would it be bucking social convention if I asked for a ‘Fritzl’?
What a fine blog! Makes up for the missing Guardian column yesterday. And what excellent sujects for controversy, Il Pape and the Paparaza!
Yes, the Pope’s extremely stupid advice over condoms is so irresponsible it almost beggars belief. But then I always did have trouble with believing a great deal of THAT book of his anyway, and My Booky Wook is a much more entertaining read.
Coming next on RussellBrand.tv, how Jade Goody isn’t dead or even fighting cancer, because it’s all just a big PR scam. Stay tuned