A nod and a blink and Alan Shearer is Geordie Pope
Read Russell’s latest Guardian column here
Posted in Press
Great coolumn Russell- as usual!
I have no idea what (or who) you were writing about, but will read any writings of yours hungerly….just for the taste! You write brilliantly. You have many fans here in the states!
How to begin? Perhaps there is a connection between your stated gut instinct to stop reading “Blink” and your self professed inability to skillfully play soccer (as we call it here in the states). Rapid cognition and adept soccer skills both rely on body centered awareness. Certain neural pathways are primed for this and such can be considered a naturally induced altered state of consciousness. The primary pathway is the HPA axis. This is how “being in the present moment” is neurologically possible. The gateway to the Garden of Eden is located on this path. Love and interconnectedness are resultant of the human ability to utilize the HPA axis insightfully. It’s a primary process.
I’m beginning to realize why people have such difficulty experiencing joy. Brain mechanisms to control compulsivity and curb bias involve different neural circuitry and rely on higher order thinking, whereas the rapid cognition Gladwell speaks of is primary process. True love and joy are also primary process. There’s no thinking involved and no trick to it! Only in the reflection of hindsight can a person truly discern the implications of a momentary lapse in reason.
It’s important to know your audience. Even with the best of intentions, inducing hysteria can go awry and become tricky. Consider the craziness that has occurred at many of your beloved soccer matches. The murky undercurrent of emotional traumas can hijack the HPA axis and takeover. Such is the occurrence of Bipolar. The audiences love and excitement for the game turns wildly outrageous and people sometimes get hurt!
Bloody ‘ell, Synergy, all that talk of brains has almost blown mine right out! Quite hard to tell if you’re been nasty or nice. Therefore, I choose NICE!
Anyway, anyway, great article, Russell! I agree with you, Roy Keane’s dogs DO only seem to see the light of day when he’s angry — an astute and hilarious observation, as always. That’s the mental image I have of him too, slamming gates, all outwardly annoyed and irritated, with two big, ‘ard-looking dogs pulling him along, down a bridle path. Too, too funny!
I liked how you, an Essex boy, mentioned your partially inaccurate, jellied eel-scoffing national identity and never even touched upon the Toon’s reputation for flat caps, miners, pigeons, Whippets, heavy drinking and partying or our even our propensity for refusing to wear overcoats when every other mammal in the near vicinity has gone into hibernation. Well done!
And yeah, while on the subject of flat caps, I need to mention Jack Bayles [Hi, Jack! Yes I’m talking about you now and I’m even devoting a whole paragraph to you today too! How exciting is that!? Okay. Not very.]. I think it is because I’m a Geordie but, much as I try to read Jack’s Twitter moniker ‘newhat’ as New Hat, I just can’t do it. First thing I see is ‘ne’ which scream North East to me — as every postcode in Newcastle begins with a NE — therefore, when I read it, the voice in my head totally screws this up. Though, strangely enough, the voice I hear isn’t even Geordie — it is actually Cockney. What I actually hear is the bellowing, intimidating intonation of a Dickensian Mr Bumble saying, as if he were speaking to a fragile, Oliver Twist type character who was astoundingly ungrateful for hunger, abject poverty and being parentless, “ANY WHAT!!!???”
Oh yeah, I forget to mention the new addition to our Geordie distinctiveness – Cheryl-Marmite-Cole! Freddie-thank-god-we-got-rid-of-him-Sheppard went VERY wrong, two decades ago, with two below the belt, unguarded comments which cut no ice with Tynesiders;
1. His Mary Poppins comment. Look: as you know, Alan is a local hero, a solid, salt-of-the-earth Geordie boy who will always loved up here. I agree, you can tell he’ll succeed just by looking at him. He’s never put a foot wrong. He never even responded to Freddie’s disrespectful comments back then. You wanna’ know why? ‘Cause he just wasn’t worth it! Freddie will never be able to light a candle to Shearer if he lives to be 100!!! [Hey, what can I say, Russell, we’re ‘Passionate People’ this is a ‘Passionate Place’ (check the North East Tourism Board for details, hahaha!)].
2. He also said all the lasses in Geordieland were ‘dogs’. Purr-leeease! Not even Sharon and Tracey from Viz would go near his bloated body and ego!!!
Anyway, my point is, Simon Cowell thinks Cheryl-why-she-puts-up-with-that-hubby-we’ll-never-know-Cole will take America by storm with her Geordie charm and beauty – if only the elocution lessons, he’s allegedly asked her to take, pay off! I read this yesterday. Outrageous! I mean, how come us Brits understand every American accent going but they can’t understand us? Like what you said in your last bloggy blog about Tolstoy ‘Everyone speaks of changing the world [i.e. Geordies/Cheryl] but nobody speaks of changing themselves [Americans]. What’s with that?
And like what I said in my last post too, ‘surely they’ve got the capacity to learn?’ In fact, I know they’ve got the capacity to learn – after all, they got rid of Geedubbleya… eventually!
I’ve written too much again, haven’t I? Oh well…
…Fuck that, I’ve got one more comment…
…it’s about Richard Littlejohn.
Firstly, you should thank your lucky stars you’re NOT Richard Littlejohn and secondly, it’s hardly surprising, to me, the things he comes out with…
… a self-fulfilling prophecy, if you like…
…after all, remember: this is a man whose first name and surname both mean dick!
Everything I know about current Premier League football, I’ve learned from your Guardian column. Before I started reading it, I was just another knee-jerk Man U fan since way back. Now I know a bit more about other important bits of the league. As you might imagine, I’ve got a slightly skewed view of what’s important (West Ham Utd.) and what’s not (nearly everything else). Still and all, let us wait and see what Shearer does with his 8 games.
Hello Irish Brit,
I like your style & your reference to little dick/big dick…
As per your comments about Americans not understanding your accents, just try to imagine a world with a Hollywood, England… Not an England, England.
Nonetheless to an English-speaking Argentine, all manner of colorful language relating to sex & soccer is irresistible, specially coming from Irish Englishmen or English Irishmen… and even more tempting coming from the thinking man himself: Russell Brand.
Read one paragraph of your article and decided it was boring, so I stopped. Resembles someone much? :P
I read Blink and promptly got pissed off. It started with such an interesting premise, but annoyed me that it went on and on and on with points that could have been explained in about a chapter.
The HPA axis is bullshit: you can change the neuron pathways to lead to more positive feelings than negative blah blah blah, we are not automata etc. etc.; in the end it comes down to which experience of life you want to have and that is a very conscious choice if you only allow it to be.
love to everyone
- @mycaricature -
Living in Canada, I have no idea what you were writing about, but I enjoyed it -thoroughly. I must tell you, I have become quite obsessed with you to the point where everyone around me can’t stand it. I hope to see you one day in Canada (it’s a lovely country, really).
Nicolie ♥ x
Marianna, thank you for your response, you were both gracious and respectful when making your point about Americans. I liked that. I hear what you are saying and I agree with you too. I’m altogether aware that the majority of Americans live with ‘a Hollywood, England’ view of us Britons and, therefore, the point I was trying to make was that Simon Cowell, of all people, should not be bowing to the pressure of conformity and should be valuing and celebrating our uniqueness instead. In my opinion, allowing Americans to be challenged by a variety of British accents means they would surely adapt and grow as a result – otherwise nothing changes.
I dunno,’ maybe I’m expecting too much from a talent show, huh?
Lovely to meet you in cyberland!
P.S. I’m actually a woman. But, if you’re straight, please don’t worry about having found me irresistible, although you can’t see me, if you could, it would be understandable, as I am reassuringly hot!
P.P.S. I’m also bad at proof-reading. I spotted a few typos/missing words in my first post – the most annoying and noteworthy being that I wrote ‘been’ instead of ‘being’ in the first paragraph. Deary, deary me! Must try harder… Must try harder…
Great work, crew, on the additions to the site, love the links and the vids. The only thing we need now are some more tweets ;)
Soccer… ahem, football… is something this Melbournite knows absolutely nothing about and Russ’ column is not one I’d usually stumble across, so cheers for bringing it to us.
Dear (hot!) AN IRISH BRIT, an observation related to your post: While trying to order ice hockey tickets in the States over the phone, a friend had to put on a fake American accent as the voice recognition system didn’t understand her Aussie twaaaaaang. de-nied.
i agree with you 100%. if you read someting and you can get past first page, stop reading. im interested in everything you write. your the one true person whom i find very interesting, punctual, liberating, a great breath of fresh air. you are very good at all you do. i personally love this site and love everything you and the crew bring to it. keep up the revolution i will be here to follow to the end. you are the best russell just be you. much love
Dearest tracenater, I’m terribly sorry, but could you please type a little slower, I can’t seem to understand what you’re saying…
Hello, IrishBrit or Irish ‘N Brit… You HOT thing…
I am not far off that range in the thermometer myself.. in a Latin sort of way…
(I hope my teenage son is NOT reading this, I got him into Russell Brand and he got me “The Booky Wook”. All sons should be like mine…)
Though straight as an arrow, I have no issues finding you irrisistible… I am passionate about sharp brains and tongues & I happen to have a thing for English/Irishmen (should I say just men?) that spills over when I read about “futbol” … specially anything written by Russ!
If only he didn’t look so much like my old boyfriend… Damn!
And yes, you are expecting WAY TOO MUCH from a talent show.
Watch Rugby instead… (Or Master-Race Theater…)
Will get to England one day and we’ll share a pint!
Keep on writing.
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