By Producer Gareth
We are on the set of Russell’s new movie “Get Him To The Greek”. Today’s shoot is in the LA desert and seems to particularly excite Russell as he frequently informs us that it is “the same place Iron Man was filmed”. Unfortunately not everyone seems to share the same enthusiasm for this nugget of trivia as ol’ Russ, maybe because his repetition is beginning to stray into Grandad war story territory – “So, we were filming in the same place they shot Iron Man, Hitler had just invaded Poland and Vera Lynn was playing on the wireless… no, wait.”
That said, the set is an exhilarating place. A crew made up of hundreds, giant pieces of scenery, explosions – the works. Even Russell’s trailor has a sense of grandeur to it – the understated ‘Star Wagon’, its logo printed in exactly the same font as ‘Star Wars’. Now, I can’t imagine George Lucas has fallen on such hard times that he’s had to extend his franchise to include fancy caravans but if so I’m not sure what characteristics the trailor shares with the Star Wars trilogy, although the smell from Rusty’s bathroom certainly has a touch of the dark side to it.
One of the greatest novelties to being on set is experiencing the marvel that is ‘Craft Services’. If you are unaware of this phenomenon, I shall enlighten you. It is an on-set catering service that runs throughout the day. “Catering service, you say? Sounds a bit boring.” And I’ll admit that at first I imagined mini sausage rolls, cheese and pineapple sticks, triangular egg sandwiches and a half-frozen chocolate gateaux – what transpired was a mind-blowing smorgasbord of the most enticing treats known to man. Chocolate, icecream, candy, crisps, pastries, cakes – you name it, they have it.
American snacks are alluring, exciting and come in every shape and colour imaginable. Junior Mints, Butterfingers, Jolly Ranchers, Baby Ruths – I thought the latter was a fictional chocolate bar shared between Chunk and Sloth in The Goonies. They seem like a strange choice as product endorsers, those two -
“Right, we need to sell more Baby Ruth’s, which movie stars can we get to eat them, Randy?”
“OK, I’m thinking… an obese teenager”
“Keep talking…”
“And a deformed strongman…?”
“Boo-ya! Randy, you never let me down.”
On our first on set day I was advised by a member of the crew to steer clear from Craft Services if I knew what was good for me (for health reasons, he wasn’t some overprotective mob boss telling me to stay away from his sister, Crafty Servizia). I politely smiled and agreed but instantly harboured a mild resentment towards him and internally barked back “Please sir, do not insult me by confusing me with your overeating American brothers, for I am an Englishman – self control is in our blood.”
I spent the rest of the day pouring myself tea and picking at fruit but by day two my dignity had taken a back seat as I caved into my gluttonous inclinations and transformed into a kind of disgraced adult Augustus Gloop character, ashamedly devouring treats aplenty. Don’t judge me on that, could you honestly say you’d be able to resist a gleaming Snickers icecream if it was offered to you? I think it would’ve tested even Gandhi’s self-restraint.
“I undertake this long fast as means of both self-purification and social protest”
“That’s all very well Gandhi, but have you tried one of these Snickers icecreams?”
“There’s a Snickers icecream? And I thought the bar was good. Oh hell, the fast can wait a day!”
The novelty of their sweets even extends to those that are exactly the same as in England, just with different or alternate names. Snickers here used to be called Mars, the UK Mars are called Milky Way, not to be confused with the UK Milky Way which over here is called 3 Musketeer. Why all the confusion? I wouldn’t be surprised if candy bigwigs did it purposely so that patriotic idiots like me jump on a Russian roulette choco-merry-go-round, consuming each and every last one in case there’s a sniff of a homegrown chocolate bar. If their Maltesers ever turn out to be ‘effing coffee Revels, I’ll go nuts.
Well, must go. Babs has just arrived and already Russ has put his beloved mum through a couple of house initiations. Firstly throwing a lemon onto a neighbour’s roof and secondly telling a story whilst wearing a fruit bowl on her head onto which Russell’s scribbled “Mum’s story hat.“ It’s all so damn Hollywood!
Poor Gareth, please stay away from that devilish table, You do not want to be on a rehab center where no one can understand the addiction to ice cream and chocolates (and night nurse), yes rehab center because fat camps are not use to someone as slender as you
Lot of love, take care!
and take care of Barbs!!!!
Super Funny!!!
Question, may I trade places with you? I’m awfully good at telling a story, albeit in a Canadian accent, and I have a pretty smile. Two excellent benefits. Alternatively, I’ll keep living vicariously through your blog posts. Please keep them coming!
http://www.gloryfades.org
a hilarious and insightful masterpiece! what really boggles me is that a UK cadbury chocolate and a Canadian one taste completely different….
I love reading your blogs they’re funny and insightful. Didn’t know there was such a cultural divide with candy bars, however agree the great world wide candy protest could never happen now. Smart fellows.
Hello gareth, thank you for the brilliant blog….. 3 muskateer bars are mentioned in Friends, i always wondered what they were! i definately back you on twitter! best wishes and greetings to all the fuss pots in the brand wagon,
please tweet me mr pricklefingers i am certain you will like the profile picture….. ta5ha69
take care all of you and have fun
love tashaxx
Thanks Gareth,
Much more sympatehtic towards you… since viewing the humiliation Russell affords you.
And by the way the Canadian and English Hershey Bars are not the same either. My girlfriend while staying here had her boyfriend send them from Engerland…. I never did a taste test myself though.
Have you ever had deep fried icecream or Blueberry Wine? You have to come to my neck of the woods …. St. Andrews By the Sea to find that… along with LOTS of lobster.
Cheerios,
Rachel
you’ve made me hungry now … I may have to go in search of chocolate and it’s all your fault!
thanks though x
I make the most amazing Granola so if Craft Services
is full of junk that Russell won’t eat.. just let me know
and I’ll have it on the next FedEx :)
someone on the team needs to have a juicer..
oh look I have one..
juicing for the man day and night…
let me know
I’ve got a couple weeks free from all the animals
you boys would be a breeze…
you all have had your shots …right??
sweets and treats
oh so many to choose
better to stay away from all those chemicals
some lovely organic fruit and veg
and lots of water
peace friend
Aw, sounds like you’re having a brilliant time! The chocolate thing’s baffled me. A milky way is a milky way. Not a…whatever it was called.
Can’t wait for you all to come back to Blighty – we miss you! You don’t know what you’re missing. All this lovely rain.
And tea of course; a good old English cuppa :)
And I second what everyone else has said, get Twitter Gareth!
xxxxxxxxxxx
Brilliantly written!!!
The sweets part confused me, though ;) But I’m from Denmark, so that makes everything even more confusing.
x
russell are you worried about ronaldo takeing your shagger of the year title
BUAHAHA this was amazing! I could pitcture Russell saying to everyone that Iron Man was filmed there. Hes’ always got some type of high spirit.
Great blog! Now move on to Twitter so I may tweet the shit out of you ;D
Dear Gareth,
Welcome to the U.S. of A.!! Gluttony… is our most popular sin. Not that it should be, but that’s just how it is here.
much love from the windy city,
v.
You guys were on the Iron Man set!? That is so awesome!
Thanks for the update, and I’m glad you like the snickers ice cream sandwiches. You should come down the U.S. for Halloween so you could feast your eyes on all the other sweet deals…if you want of course.
Hope to hear more from you soon!