By Producer Gareth
As Jack has already mentioned, he was vehemently against our ultimately doomed trip to Disneyland from the get go. As it turned out his concerns were completely justified. With Nik (the only truly responsible adult amongst us) away for the weekend, that left Jack, Russell and me and to be honest it’s lucky that the worst to happen was a trip to an inflated theme park – he could quite easily have returned to a burnt-down house and one of our corpses (probably mine) face down in the swimming pool. So the naughtiest of the three was free to hatch a plan and that plan was Disneyland.
Initially in favour of going, my enthusiasm was mainly due to Nicola’s lovely little daughter. Around her I turn into a kind of pathetic Mary Poppins, bending over backwards to entertain, desperate to be approved. Granted, she is utterly adorable, but putting every drop of my energy into seeking the validation of a two year-old who has barely learnt to speak just isn’t sensible, and in this case led me to my first problem of the day – a ride.
I don’t like rides, they leave me dazed and queasy. I had a feeling I should steer clear of them when my first encounter of a fairground coincided with my first experience of dating. Aged 13 and against my better judgment I accompanied that poor girl onto the Waltzers. Within minutes I’d sicked up the contents of that night’s dinner plus half a bag of candyfloss. To compound my mortified embarrassment, the operator subsequently handed me a limp rag and ordered me to clean up my vomit. Suffice to say, that relationship did not endure.
So, back to Disneyland and before I knew it I’d found myself on, what I’m told was a kind of “history of Disney” ride and featured incidents from famous tales. Subsequently we all agreed that this “child friendly” ride wasn’t really suitable for kids, due to what was judged to be a rather macabre atmosphere. At one point I distinctly remember passing models of two mal-treated caged donkeys crying out “please save me.” Now, I’m not sure what effect that had on the children but it left me quite anxious. Also, what scary, upsetting film does that occur in and why pick that scene? Around the next corner I half expected to see representations from Silence of the Lambs, Philadelphia and Schindler’s List.
Russell and Jack then decided that the boys should split from the girls and go in search of “proper rides”. So we ventured to another section of the park where we are invited to ‘Celebrate the magic of Tomorrowland.’ “Gladly”, I thought, “tomorrow is Sunday so my tomorrowland consists of sleeping in until midday then slumping myself in front of the telly” – which I’d happily celebrate over an afternoon hurtling around whirly, sick-inducing rollercoasters.” In fact, if we could celebrate the magic of nextFridaynightland, I’ll have got out of a week of work and be all nice and drunk – let’s go! Alas, Tomorrowland was not in the literal form I’d hoped for and in spite of my protests I was dragged on not one but two rides, the latter being Space Mountain.
In my quest to find any form of written evidence that would render me exempt from entry I noticed a sign that read, “Animals may not accompany guests on this attraction.” There are two problems with that, I think. Firstly, “accompany” makes it sounds like the animal and guest are on a date, and secondly, I’d hope that no one would even think of taking a pet on a rollercoaster because it’s cruel. That animal wouldn’t know it was on a ride, it’d just think this was its new life – a spinning, woozy, bewildering new life in the darkness. Even in the case of a guide dog, I don’t think it’s justified. Like working weekends or examining your flatmate’s genitals for signs of sexual diseases (both of which I’ve done), I think a guide dog accompanying their owner onto a rollercoaster goes well beyond the call of duty.
Directly in front of us in the queue are two 13 year-old girls. Unsure of what lay ahead I inquired, “Excuse me girls, is it scary?” They giggled, no doubt intrigued by the whiny questioning of a sniveling 30 year-old man. “No” they respond, confidently. Well, those girls lied. Because as we hurtled through the cosmos, past fields of shooting stars and celestial satellites, I encountered a lunging, rotating, nauseous existence that terrified me to the very core of my soul. One small step to a heart attack, one giant leap to soiling my underwear.
After that ordeal I barked at Russ and Jack that I could have died on Space flippin’ Mountain, to which they responded “No one dies at Disneyland – you’d hear about it.” Well, I have news for you boys, I’ve investigated and it turns out that people do die at Disney. Allegedly from 2005 – 2006, there were four deaths and nineteen injuries at its Florida parks. And prior to 2001, Disney was not even required to report incidents to the state authorities. Sorry, what? What kind of crazy cartoon get-out clause is that? God knows how many people have died at the hands of Disney, in that case …
“Is this ride safe?”
“Yep”
“No one has died on it or anything, then?”
“Er, no”
“Definitely not?”
“Nope. There’s been none of the old deaths here at Disney, no sir”
It was also probably the perfect place to go and do a murder!
“Inspector, all the evidence points to the victim disappearing at Disneyland”
“Forget it sergeant, there’s never been an incident in that place since the day it opened it’s innocent, harmless doors. Your two years of research were wasted, get back to the drawing board”
So, it turns out that Mickey and Co.’s pledge that Disneyland would be “Where Dreams Come True” didn’t quite work out for me. More like “Where Rides Still Make Me Extremely Sick”. Finally, while doing my crack research I also came across another example of Disneyland not quite working out for someone…
“In 1976, a woman filed a lawsuit claiming one of the Three Little Pigs ran up to her at the “It’s A Small World” attraction, grabbed at and fondled her, while exclaiming “Mommy! Mommy!” She claimed to have gained 50 pounds as a result of the incident. Charges were dropped after Disney’s lawyers presented her with a photo of the costume, which had only inoperable stub arms.”
Great blog lol,,,,, xx
Gareth, I’m with you mate!
I am never amused at amusement parks & feel they should change the names to abusement parks. I get sick on the carousel!
Stupidly in my younger days, when my children were still young, we drove down to DisneyWorld in the Orlando/Kissimmee FL area. Epcot had just opened with all of 4 countries – I wanted my children to have a fun holiday that they would always treasure.
My youngest, who is now 31 was too small to ride by herself in a seat, although her older brother & sister were quite willing to take my place as a responsible adult to hold her, Disney said “No, it must be an adult”. So needless to say, I got in the front part of the car with my youngest, the 2 older children in the back for Space Mountain…
By the time that ride from Hell was over, my face was green, my head was exploding and my legs were black & blue from toe to thigh from all that banging about. It took me 2 days to recover from the headache portion, I have permanent spots on my legs where I am positive bone was chipped away and even thinking about having to get on that monstrosity again, I am nauseated…..
Next time they try to drag you to such an abhorrent place, ring me up, we’ll go to a nice cantina.
Check this out Worst Disneyland story,
Ever thought of taking a hit of acid and taking your trip at Disneyland. My friend Chris and I did. The guys we went with were caught drinking while parking the car. Her Mom and Dad were there celabrating her Birthday. The D-cops kicked the guys out and took us to the Goofy Station. This is where thay take the shoplifter and the kids who beat up the rides. We came on to this shit and could not stop laughing. Mr. Hoke our Math teacher who worked summers at D-land
could not figuer out what was wrong with us. They paged her Mom and Dad which took two hours becouse they could not page during the parade. It was not the Matterhorn but what a good trip.
I think you (and Russell) would have been more at home on the Pirates of the Caribbean Ride. No hurtling through space on that one– just rape, pillage, and burn. Yo ho… (child-friendly, huh?)
I was there the day it opened, my Dad got some tickets being that he was a Animator there for 40 years. I also worked for a time at WED were they design the Parks all over the world also later I was as a Portrait Artist on Main St. USA.
To say it’s perfect would be untrue to say, to say you or I is perfect would also be a untrue statement also, But to say Disneyland has perverted Pigs hanging about on street corners is using your unique humor and imagination.
Yes in those suits are hired students usually, and perhaps a teen acts inappropriate at times YOU THINK ? ha
And then there the guests interpretation of the story which is not always is as it truly happens, hey suing Disney is a full time job for some.
I to have purged my excitement on a ride or two, but never was just given a rag to clean myself, that’s not the way it works there, you were treated abominably and that person was wrong and probably grossed out as you were I mean to vomit and seeing you at the same time might have been to much to take.
I know the care and effort that goes on there on stage and off, I know the people who make it work and make it happened didn’t shed away the magic gene that each child was born with. Who read children’s books as if they were fact not fiction. They are the Architects of Magic allowing you to lose the track of time, who’s day dreams an idea that one day well bring pure joy to a child who needed just one day without there neighborhood around them, or could forget for one day the reality of growing up so fast in todays images. And enjoy the image of a Princess.
Flying in Space, travel in the jungles down a the river of what ifs’ … pull a sword out of a stone as if you were the only one, make a wish from the real Wishing Well…. I met my husband there so I know magic is alive and sparkling in that land.
To bring up past things that happen in a history of over 58 years with researching by Googling Death’s at Disneyland .. is not a fair complaint as it is not a good idea not to in arguing with a mate, let’s deal with the present.
I follow Russel for his imagination of humor, to bring up front the ridiculousness of everyday screw ups and your heartfelt shouts to a fan and make there day or his quips about his mum. You could have said something to make one hurl .. ? who knows. The accidents that happen there can’t be compared to any city or country outside of the Walt’s Imagination..
Once outside the Kingdom’s walls you are once again in the world of shit happens, so to be realistic and fair that all could have happened on your flight over here, with a stewardess having a bad day while handing you rag.
Stuff happens,
J. Lucas Runco
Truly a delight to read Mr. Brand. It has lightened up the doldrums that are my weekday mornings.
Gareth you poor soul. I could say just suck it up but I don’t do well on rides like that either.Having never been now I am really apprehensive about the whole thing.What about the spinning teacups or the bumper cars or just a little musical
with Mick and Min? Well I’m proud of you for going and you get an A+ for effort.
Are you home tending the goats? If so are you ready if the mamas “do a baby?” LOL–that is funny.Please remember all respectable goat farmers wear the famous white shorts and flip flops.I think Russell would like to see you in that exact attire
and waiting for the babies to arrive.It would ease his mind while he’s in the big apple.I mean what’s worse Space Mountain or baby goats? You and Babs should make a vid and surprise Russ.Do it for all of us Gareth help the mams “do a baby.” You are such a good sport. Hugs and kisses………cu
brilliant. i laughed out loud so much…. i am with you on the rides. we went to drayton manor “thomas land”.horrendous.i sat on a ride for under 3′s, with my son, we both screamed.i spent 4 hours in first aid then spent rest of the day slupmed like a deflated mitchelin man outside the sweetshop.on the floor.
fantastic writing thank you…. i hope fuss pot farm is all well . we adore you all xxxxxx
love tasha
twitter ta5ha69
Good grief, so glad that your scamp of a fearless leader didn’t suggest Knott’s Berry Farm… we’d still be wiping you up from the sticky bottom of some roller-coaster.
No more Happiest Place On Earth for you, young man…LOL. Bless you.
Dear Gareth,
anytime you need someone holding your hand and keep vomit bags handy (while riding a roller coaster) let me know.
veronica
To Funny!!!
Gareth, I felt slightly nauseous reading your account – don’t do it to yourself….I too have a really sensitive stomach and downgraded myself to those kiddie swings on roundabouts about 15 years ago – but I don’t even do them now. Have always been terrified of roller-coasters….so don’t think you have to show bravado in the line of duty….
Love it Gareth!
Sounds like what my experiences of these things are always like!
ahahahaha that subliminal music must work because I am a disney-aholic! That was hilarious about the 13 yr old girls..Those girls lied..hahahahahahahahaha. BUT with me having been to Disney World countless times, I have NEVER rode Space Mountain…no sir, you can keep that one….
Gareth, I can ride all the rides I want and NOT get sick. Na na na na na na! Yeah for me!
Sorry, not feeling sympathetic. Maybe you shoould not get woozy on the boozy and be sleeping with that nurse of yours.
If you was a proper producer type you would have read Mr. Disney’s biography before going.
Oh my feeling smug today aren’t I!
oh but I like the part that you like the baby… so you get -1 point for having a week stomach and -1 point for being a boozy pill dropper but +2 for being nice to the baby… so you came out even..